Realized how well I’ve taught myself to switch off and let my conscious fade away when things are bad. I’m not existing and it’s the most marvelous feeling in the world. I barely hear the shouting and the screaming, and the ones in my head shut up too. There’s hurt and brokenness everywhere I look but I just feel numb. Everything is falling apart and my olds are on their way to breaking up but all I feel is empty.

Too many people do good things because of their want of heaven and their fear of hell. Humanity is based on desire and fear, not love. How can you go against the basis that humans do something for self-gain? We will always have this mindset that we are rewarded for our kindness and punished for our evil, so our character is built on that.

I want to do good because it is good, and because it is human. I don’t want to be tied down to a bigger entity that rewards me for being good.

I want to be able to justify my own evil. I want the guilt and the sickness to the stomach of doing another human being wrong. I don’t need a fear of punishment to know my own sins. I want to be able to say sorry because I am sorry, not because I am scared if I don’t repent, lightning will strike me.

God is great and I love him because he gave me this life. But I want to be human on my own terms.

To my brother

It was “You’ll turn into a fuck up like your sister” and now it’s “you’ve already turn into your sister” and this just hurts more than anything in the world and then I start thinking maybe I’m better off being not around. I was never around much anyway. I never meant to be a fuck up but that’s too late. and tbh you’re not like me, you have a clearer mind, kinder, more patience than me, more selfless. Everything I’m not, maybe. And mom, I love her, is temperamental and insane at times, something not everyone knows how to handle. I definitely didn’t know how to handle it. I could never be what they wanted me to be. I wasn’t cut out for it. And I ran away from everything, from doing the things I had to do, as soon as I realized this. I knew I couldn’t handle her. We’d burn the house down. So that’s why you became the one she depended on, and I’m sorry this happened. I’m sorry.

I’m starting to think that things are hard, and then they’re okay, and then they get hard again and then it gets a bit okay and then it gets so fucking hard then it never becomes okay again. There are moments when they’re okay but these are just fleeting, like pauses before the song starts again. I sound like I’m describing a boner a bit though, except it doesn’t stay hard continually.

'Why is it,' he said, one time, at the subway entrance, ‘I feel I’ve known you so many years?’
‘Because I like you,’ she said, ‘and I don’t want anything from you.’

Ray Bradbury, Fahrenheit 451 (via larmoyante)

narcotic:

its so annoying when people shame others for wearing makeup and looking good at school like who fucking cares if someone wants to feel good about themselves get over it  

You get a strange feeling when you’re about to leave a place. Like you’ll not only miss the people you love but you’ll miss the person you are now at this time and this place, because you’ll never be this way ever again.

Azar Nafisi (via ohfairies)